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I Abuse Myself Covertly
And Overtly
Next Focus in Divine
Consciousness
I Am Love
I abuse myself covertly and overtly.
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Note: In the following worksheet, the patterns
and behaviors of overt and covert Self-abuse are presented/described
in all four
lower bodies: physical,
emotional,
mental, and
spiritual.
In the physical body, covert and overt Self-abuse is exhibited
through physically self-destructive actions.
In the emotional body, covert and overt Self-abuse is manifested
through negative, self-destructive feelings.
In the mental body, covert and overt Self-abuse is exemplified
by self-destructive thoughts. In the spiritual body, covert
and overt self-abuse is manifested by negative relationships
with self and God. |
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3.) THE "DRAMA"
AS IT APPLIES TO THE SET-UP: |
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ashamed |
tortured |
vile |
humiliated |
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guilty |
outraged |
helpless |
vicious |
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terrified |
numb |
sickened |
enraged |
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worthless |
repulsive |
isolated |
hopeless |
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1.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I bite
my fingernails. |
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2.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I over-eat
and gain weight. |
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3.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I work
myself to exhaustion. |
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4.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I abuse
my body by compulsive over-exercise. |
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5.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I do not
allow myself to rest when I am physically tired. |
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6.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I am a
glutton with sugars, caffeine, and breads. |
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7.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I neglect
my dental care. |
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8.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I neglect
my medical care. |
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9.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I am careless;
I bang myself around and bruise myself. |
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10.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I do not
eat healthy, regular meals. |
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11.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I do not
take the time to make myself look attractive. |
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12.) |
In my physical body the overt abuse is I take
dangerous risks with my body. |
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1.) |
In my physical
body the covert abuse is I pretend to enjoy sex when I don't. |
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2.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I sabotage
my own well being. |
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3.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I judge
my physical body harshly. |
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4.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I ignore
my physical pain. |
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5.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I work
when I am ill. |
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6.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I do
not treat my physical body in a respectful, sacred
way. |
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7.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I deny
my physical body tenderness. |
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8.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I do
not forgive my physical body its illnesses or weaknesses. |
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9.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I do
not accept my physical body as perfect the way it is now. |
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10.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I believe
my physical body is unworthy of my love unless it is perfect. |
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11.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I don't
protect my physical body from disease. |
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12.) |
In my physical body the covert abuse is I resent
the physical aging of my body. |
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1.) |
In my emotional
body the overt abuse is I deny myself fun, play, and lightness,
and I remain over-stressed. |
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2.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I am
enraged with my physical body for the flaws I perceive. |
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3.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I disconnect
my feelings from the present moment. |
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4.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I get
depressed. |
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5.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I am
addicted to the drama
of my emotions. |
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6.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I habitually
take on too much, which creates stress/pressure until I become
angry, overwhelmed, depressed, or exhausted. |
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7.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I am
stubborn and refuse to change even when my behavior/feelings
are self-destructive. |
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8.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I concentrate
only on the negatives in my life and all the negative feelings
this brings up. |
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9.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I don't
allow myself to be happy. |
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10.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I keep
myself isolated. |
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11.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I fear intimacy. |
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12.) |
In my emotional body the overt abuse is I withhold
emotional connection. |
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1.) |
In my emotional
body the covert abuse is I am always impatient with myself. |
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2.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I hide
my true feelings (negative and positive). |
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3.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I do
not speak about my boundaries. I allow everyone treat me like
a doormat. |
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4.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I do
not love myself enough or trust myself enough to stand alone
and feel confidant. |
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5.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I withhold
love from myself. |
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6.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I allow
my rage to fester
and keep it hidden inside. |
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7.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I am
afraid to feel fragile and vulnerable because I fear I will be
hurt. |
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8.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I blame
myself for being the victim/victimized. |
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9.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I want
control and therefore
play the victim so that I can feel powerful. |
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10.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I hold
myself hostage to all my flaws. I covet my flaws. I need my flaws. |
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11.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I am
ashamed of my feelings of sexual arousal. |
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12.) |
In my emotional body the covert abuse is I often
feel helpless, hopeless, and unimportant. I am a failure. |
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1.) |
In my mental
body tthe overt abuse is I humiliate myself and berate my
abilities openly when I make mistakes. |
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2.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I call myself
ugly names and put myself down privately and in front of others. |
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3.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I refuse
to admit when I am wrong. |
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4.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I constantly
justify my behavior. |
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5.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I try to
impress people with my knowledge even when I don't know anything
about the topic. |
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6.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I try to
talk my way through something even when I'm confused. |
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7.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I live in
my mental body and analyze everything. |
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8.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I avoid
information or circumstances that I don't understand. |
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9.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I use big
words to try to sound sophisticated. |
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10.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I exaggerate
facts or events to make myself sound more important. |
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11.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I rationalize
whatever I want to do to make it acceptable. |
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12.) |
In my mental body the overt abuse is I play the
clown to gain attention and cover my inadequacies. |
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1.) |
In my mental
body the covert abuse is I acquiesce in confrontive situations
and allow my boundaries to dissolve. |
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2.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I refuse
assistance or help. |
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3.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse I tell myself
I am a failure when I have to start something over or even before
I start. |
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4.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I believe
that I am the only one making stupid mistakes. |
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5.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I hold
myself hostage to and obsess over past mistakes. |
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6.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I refuse
to forgive myself. |
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7.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I expect
to fail. |
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8.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I expect
to be hurt and suffer. |
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9.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I rob myself
of love and I load myself with shame. |
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10.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I kill
my creativity with constant judgments
that I am less-than. |
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11.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I sabotage
my goals by telling myself I won't make it. |
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12.) |
In my mental body the covert abuse is I think
about suicide all the time. |
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1.) |
In my spiritual
body the overt abuse is I have rejected my religious beliefs. |
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2.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I choose
to be too busy to connect with God. |
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3.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I pretend
to be spiritual. |
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4.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I judge
and criticize other's religious beliefs. |
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5.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I negate
my spiritual experiences by minimizing and trivializing them. |
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6.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I have
rigid spiritual practices. |
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7.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I blame
God for my misfortunes. |
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8.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I act
spiritually
arrogant. |
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9.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I believe
others must worship as I do. |
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10.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I follow
a guru/church instead of connecting with my God-Self. |
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11.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I try
to control my spiritual path. |
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12.) |
In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I bargain
with God. |
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1.) |
In my spiritual
body the covert abuse is I deny myself Peace
and Joy. |
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2.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I deny
myself moment to moment connection with my Soul. |
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3.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I don't
entirely trust Soul/God/Spirit. |
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4.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I keep
God outside myself. |
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5.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I do
not honor that I have a spiritual body. |
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6.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I devalue
my spiritual practices. |
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7.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I have
deserted God. |
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8.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I do
not treat myself as a Spiritual Being because I don't believe
I am Sacred. |
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9.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I keep
my Heart closed and
cold. |
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10.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I believe
there must be some recipe to the right spiritual path. |
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11.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I do
not believe I deserve God's Love. |
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12.) |
In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I dishonor
my spiritual connections. |
My Worst
End Scenario:
I am the living legacy of generational covert and overt self-abuse.
I have perfected covert/overt self-abuse. I know how to abuse
my body, my mind, my emotions, my spirit so skillfully that this
becomes my only egoic activity. I am consumed with rage, fear,
guilt, shame, self-hatred, and self-loathing; never acknowledging
or changing this destructive patterning. No one sees, hears,
or stops me because my treachery and deceit are so pervasive
and well disguised. I live
my death every moment of every day. I will never know God.
I will never know myself as God. I will never know the Truth
of my Being. I will
never know Love. I will never know Peace. I will never communicate
with my Soul. I hate myself. I die hating myself. I abuse myself
to death.
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1.) |
Who/What imprinted you? And How? |
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1.) |
My father imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me that men are superior to women. |
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2.) |
My father imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me self-hatred and worthlessness. |
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3.) |
My father imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me self-doubt and to not trust myself, my thoughts, my actions,
my feelings, my words, my connection to God, or my connection
to myself. |
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4.) |
My mother imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me that loving myself is not important, and I must sacrifice
my happiness for the happiness of others. |
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5.) |
My mother imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me shame and shaming me. |
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6.) |
My mother imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me to play the victim. |
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7.) |
My parents imprinted me with self-abuse by making
me believe that I could never be successful by following my dreams. |
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8.) |
My parents imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me to deny and never express my true feelings. |
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9.) |
My parents imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me how to exit through alcohol/food/drug/sex/religion. |
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10.) |
My church imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me that I am an unredeemable sinner, and I am destined for Hell. |
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11.) |
My church imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me that I cannot possibly meet all of God's expectations, so
I should fear God's vengence. |
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12.) |
My church imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching
me that God's Love is unattainable. |
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2.) |
The Payoff.
Name it.
Name the Negative Power that feeds the Payoff. |
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The Payoff I get by abusing myself overtly and
covertly is I feel in control of my life and my decisions. I
feel powerful. I validate my own existence through my pain, guilt,
and suffering. I know who I am by my pain and suffering. I continue
to create familiar, comforting feelings of shame, guilt, and
worthlessness. I deny my fear and force myself to strive, to
succeed, by my own imprinted negative rules and patterning. Self-Rage
is the force that creates, sustains, and empowers my negative
patterns. I covertly express my Self-Rage and continue to disconnect
from myself, from God, and from knowing myself as God. I continue
to keep God outside of me. I continue to live my Death, numb
and devoid of God. |
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3.) |
What I need to change…
inside myself. |
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1.) |
I need to change
my self-abuse that I am disconnected from myself and from God
into the recognition, knowing, wisdom, and Love of God within
me. |
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2.) |
I need to change my self-abuse of not allowing
myself to rest into creating a time of rest and peace everyday. |
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3.) |
I need to change
my self-abuse of not forgiving myself for perceived flaws and
imperfections (judgments and criticisms) into Self-Love
and the knowing that I am whole, perfect, and filled with God's
Love. |
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4.) |
I need to change my self-abuse that I must experience
suffering and pain into love and compassion for myself and all
my bodies: physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. |
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5.) |
I need to change my self-abuse that I am not
worthy of Love into the recognition, knowing, and wisdom
that I am Love. |
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6.) |
I need to change my self-abuse of self-hatred
into Self-Love. |
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7.) |
I need to change my self-abuse of food gluttony
and food addictions into the Self-Love of proper diet, nutrition,
and exercise. |
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8.) |
I need to change my self-abuse of not showing
my true feelings (negative and positive) into recognizing, acknowledging,
and honoring each feeling when it arises and having the courage
to express these feelings. |
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9.) |
I need to change my self-abuse that I must not
declare my boundaries or I will not be loved into declaring my
boundaries clearly as a reflection of my Self-Love. |
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10.) |
I need to change my self-abuse of shame, guilt,
and humiliation about my aging, flabby, bulging, unbalanced physical
body into Self-Love and acceptance of my physical body as it
is, and have the willingness to change my old habits to new ones
which support my body in healthy ways. |
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11.) |
I need to change my self-abuse of competing with
and comparing myself to others into the Self-Love of knowing
myself to be a unique and perfect Being. |
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12.) |
I need to change my self-abuse of thinking I
am not connected with my Soul into knowing that I am in unceasing
communication with Soul. |
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1.) |
Like my mother I abuse myself by playing the
helpless victim and not speaking up for my physical, emotional,
mental or spiritual boundaries. |
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2.) |
Like my mother I abuse myself by playing stupid
or dumb. |
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3.) |
Like my mother I abuse myself by creating illness
to avoid taking responsibility for my choices in life. |
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4.) |
Like my father I abuse myself by blaming others
for my unhappiness and refusing to take responsibility for my
Life. |
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5.) |
Like my father I abuse myself by limiting myself
and not following my dreams. |
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6.) |
Like my father I abuse myself by denying my feelings
(negative and positive) and disconnecting from myself. |
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7.) |
Like my parents I abuse myself by placing God
outside of myself and believing that I am a sinner. I must do
something to be saved, to be forgiven, to be worthy, to be loved. |
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8.) |
Like my parents I self-abuse by withholding Self-Love
and not finding joy in my life. |
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9.) |
Like my parents I abuse myself by withdrawing
from others and building walls so I will be isolated and alone. |
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10.) |
Like the church I abuse myself by believing that
my sensuality/sexuality is dirty and sinful. |
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11.) |
Like the church I abuse myself by believing that
I must earn the right to go to Heaven
or I will go to Hell. |
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12.) |
Like my church I self-abuse by waiting for God
to come and save me, and by believing the church should dictate
my life. |
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5.) |
Triangulations: |
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Show at least 3 triangles with you in each of
the three positions: Victim (V), Savior (S), and Persecutor (P). |
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1.) |
My mother taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "You have to go along to get along. Don't rock the boat." |
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2.) |
My mother and the church taught me to abuse myself
by teaching me, "If you are not a good person God will not
love you." |
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3.) |
My mother taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "Don't talk about sex. It is wrong to feel sexually
aroused." |
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4.) |
My mother taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "Can't you look better than that? I'm ashamed to be
seen with you." |
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5.) |
My father taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "Good children must be quiet and not make noise. Don't
talk back. Children are seen, but not heard." |
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6.) |
My father taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "That's not right. You don't know anything. What a stupid
mistake." |
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7.) |
My father taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "I'm so disappointed in you. You didn't turn out the
way I'd hoped." |
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8.) |
My father taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "What's wrong with you? Why can't you ever learn to
do anything for yourself?" |
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9.) |
My parents taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "Where did I go wrong with you?" |
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10.) |
My parents taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "You'll never amount to anything. You're a good-for-nothing.
Your life is a joke." |
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11.) |
My parents taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "You were a mistake. I wish you'd never been born." |
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12.) |
My parents taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "When I was your age, I was much richer/smarter/better
than you. You are just lazy/foolish/stupid." |
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13.) |
My parents and the church taught me to abuse
myself by teaching me, "Your body is dirty. You have a dirty
mind". |
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14.) |
The church taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "You are a sinner." |
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15.) |
The church taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "You'll never be good enough in God's eyes." |
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16.) |
The church taught me to abuse myself by teaching
me, "If you don't believe in God you're worthless." |
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Symbols
from Soul:
Images given from Soul are that of a
large cave with a high ceiling and smooth walls. On the walls
are hundreds of symbols.
The cave is illuminated by a shaft of light at its center. A
journey around the cave begins. Upon viewing the symbols for
the first time, they make no sense - just pictures upon the smooth
walls. After the second journey around the cave, there appears
to be a connection between all the symbols/pictures. With successive
journeys the symbols become clearer and clearer, and more inner-connected
and inter-connected. The light in the cave grows stronger with
each journey. Until, finally, the cave is fully illuminated.
At this moment, the ceiling disappears and the walls become transparent.
The symbols appear to be suspended in space, written in light.
Then the symbols disappear. Nothing is left of the cave or the
symbols. Now there is only an open field of all/no time and all/no
space. There is a feeling present. It is absolutely powerful
and absolutely gentle all at the same time.
The message from Soul is that the cave represents
the shadow-side of the little self/ego:
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All negative characteristics of one's parents |
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All negative behavior patterns |
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All negative reactivity |
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All negative thoughts, feelings, words, and actions |
These are expressed by the hundreds of symbols
on the smooth walls of the cave.
The shaft of Light symbolizes the potential
for Change. The ability to Consciously
"see" the symbols and finally know their meaning. Knowing
their meaning allows Change to occur.
The journeys around the inside of the cave
to view the symbols represent the Journey of Self-Discovery…
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Who Am I? |
|
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Why do I react negatively? |
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Who did I learn this from? |
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Why can't I stop myself before I abuse myself? |
The Light of Change grows in the cave as Consciousness is brought
to the symbols and their inner-connectedness and inter-connectedness
with each new round of the journey. Finally, the patterns made
by the symbols make sense. Old behaviors begin to change. Truth
replaces "The
Big Lies" of the childhood. Love replaces negativity.
The cave, (the shadow
part of the little self/ego) has served its purpose. It disappears.
The symbols are transformed into Light by the Consciousness brought
to them. They have been brought into the Light of Change. They
have served their purpose. They, too, disappear.
What remains is the open field of all/no time
and all/no space. It has always been there. The cave and the
symbols were held within the field, as was the possibility for
Change, symbolized by the shaft of Light.
The absolutely powerful and absolutely gentle
feeling is Love. Divine
Love. Unconditional Love. It is the field of all potentiality
and all change. Consciousness brings Change. Change is Love.
As the cave and the symbols disappear, Love is present, specifically
Self-Love. The shadow of the little self/ego has been brought
into the Light of Change. Negativity has been transformed into
Love. The little self/ego can now choose Self-Love. |
|
I will tell a different person each day for seven
days about my practice of changing self-abuse into Self-Love.
The seven self-abuses that I am ready to change into Self-Love
are:
|
1. |
the self-abuse that I am unworthy into the Self-Love
that I am worthy of all the goodness, joy, and Love that life
has to offer. |
|
2. |
the self-abuse of judging and condemning myself
into the Self-Love of acceptance and pride in what and who I
am. |
|
3. |
the self-abuse of bullying, manipulating, controlling,
and punishing myself to work harder, do more, and not rest or
slow down into the Self-Love of setting boundaries for myself
to ensure that I find rest, relaxation, and peace every day. |
|
4. |
the self-abuse of criticizing and invalidating
my thoughts into the Self-Love of asking that my thoughts be
Soul guided, and knowing that it is so. |
|
5. |
the self-abuse of invalidating my positive and
negative feelings into the Self-Love of recognizing, acknowledging,
accepting, and honoring all of my feelings as reflections of
the Truth of my Being. |
|
6. |
the self-abuse of judging, criticizing, feeling
rage, and feeling shame about my physical body into the Self-Love
of accepting my physical body, being gentle and respectful of
my physical body, and knowing that it is perfect just the way
it is. I am willing to change my old habits to bring my physical
body to better health. |
|
7. |
the self-abuse of not making time for Soul conversations
every day into the Self-Love of entering into the Serene
Center of My Being within my Heart every day and thereby
opening to experience union and communion
with my Soul. |
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